Dear Mia

I completed a whole ass letter before I deleted it all and wrote a new one. 

I wish I could explain in any way how I feel towards you but even the letter I wrote before sounds like a total bullshit to myself and I can't stand it. So I can only try to be really honest to you about how I really feel. Maybe if this don't sickens me up, you won't too. 

Looking back, I've realized that I spent most of my life trying to figure out what's best for others every single second. Or that's what I thought of. I guess there's only a thin line there. I can't even tell. Or maybe that was once the truth. Until you.

I never wanted to be happy. For I thought I am happy. I do what I want to do, not giving a single flying fuck of what people think about it. Because I am happy that way. I don't care. Never did. Until you. 

You came and showed me a whole new universe. Different to the one I'm living in. Different to the one I'm used to. And I love it. Even if it brings me to another level of absurdity I didn't even know exist. Still, I'm down for that kind of journey. 

The last 2 years has been crazy. Don't you think? But I am grateful that I get to make it through. With you or not, it's been an honor to be able to learn a lot from you. Even when I never intended to. 

Somewhere along our journey this past 2 years, I went astray and lost. Even when I know where I am, I'm still lost. Because I never knew what I really wanted for myself. And then in the process of finding out, I ended up hurting you over and over. I never really feel that I am responsible for what you feel towards me. Because we were through for me. And no matter how happy I am with your company, that's all what you are then, a company. I knew I wanted you to be free be you, to find yourself in the things you do. Just like how I were trying to. Yet, I still lose my purpose and my happiness. It was just day after day of trying to get by casually, with you around. 

I pity myself. I pity myself that I can never  be you. To love and to accept. To sacrifice. Because that's what we're supposed to do when we love. I thought I can. I even tried to go further from my comfort zone to love you. But I failed over and over again. For a long time, I just wanted you to give up on me so I can give up on myself too. But there you are, head-butting me all the time. I didn't like rejection and people fighting back boils my blood. But I enjoyed doing it with you. I can never grow tired of fighting you. 

I pity myself that I only have you to blame for my inability to love whole-heartedly. And my inability to see you. And only you. 

I told you I wasn't ready to love you. And whole another lie about I am just not ready to love. The truth is I'm not even ready to love myself. I don't know how to start. I don't know how it feels. So I take advantages of the fact that you love me more than I love myself. Because your love feels right. There's no other way to put it. And I'm sorry that I took advantages of you for so long, I stopped trying to figure out what I feel. I'm stuck in the sunshine and rainbow that you brought along. 

I've been denying the truth that I have to move forward in my life, just like you, and me being decent while not giving you any certainty whatsoever about yourself won't help anything. While it would only give me happiness, it would not give you even the slightest of peace. And that has to stop, don't you think? 

I am truly sorry that we ended in the worst way possible. Me despising you. Letting you down on your knees apologizing for something you don't even understand. All the curse and the hate words. I am sorry. I'm sorry that the last memories of me for you will be me spitting on your face, degrading you for the thousand times. I'm sorry that I know I'm still so mad at you for ruining a calm and happy 2 months by asking something that wasn't even your business. But I get that you were saying something I refused to listen. Again. 

I'm sorry that you feel so lonely even though I'm right beside you. I'm so sorry that you have to feel that being replaced is a certainty, and you were just waiting the day I had enough of you. I'm sorry for all the feelings and the thoughts that has to be kept hidden just because you know I'll lose my shit if I hear any of it. I'm sorry I'm so selfish and wouldn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. 

I'm sorry I said that picking you was a mistake and I regret it all. That I hate the fact that I lose so much than I get for choosing you. I'm sorry that I blamed you for something that wasn't your fault at all. A part of me still want to believe that I'd take it all back if I can. But I was so mad at you. I was so blinded by my hatred that I can't see how you lost so much as well trying to love me. Even when I didn't deserve it anymore. 

I'm sorry. I really am. You didn't deserve to hear all that. Not from me. The person you love the most. Any other day, I'd still stand my ground, blaming it all on you and your hard head. It won't change anything, but I wanted you to know that I'm really sorry for what kind of monster I have become to you. 

I hate your guts so much. But I love you even more. And I hope you know that. Even if it's really hard to see sometimes. It's the truth.
Thank you for the tenacity that you showed the last 2 years. I really am thankful for the chance to be loved by you. 

Looking back, I remember one thing that made me who I am. The one thing that makes me happy without demanding anything from anyone. And just for myself. And it's to get lost, to meet people, to see things, go places I've never been before. Or to the places I know I'm happy to be at. To go out for an adventure. Just like a long time ago. Just like Bangkok. 

And so, I'm off to new adventure today. And I hope to remember how is it to be happy doing so. By the time you read this, I'll probably be too far to turn back or go home. So I will definitely spend my birthday alone. Not with anyone to pick from any platform like you said. Not with you. Not with my friends, or anyone I know at all. I'll be spending my birthday somewhere with a stranger. I know I'll still feel empty somehow, but I hope I'll be happy. 

I'll be sending this letter with a cake and a candle. I want you to celebrate my birthday with me. Just blow the candle and make your wish. Because I don't know what I want. But you, above all people, would've known better. So I'll leave the wishing and the praying to you. I'll be really happy if you'd do. 

Thank you for everything, Nona. Even if I curse sometimes, I still thank God every single time I remember you. I love you so much. 

You can stop reading here. 

Yes. Here. 

There's nothing to read below. 

Really. Just stop here. 

Just continue what you were doing. 

There's no hidden message whatsoever below. 

Or is it?

Of course, you have another option of wishing me in person. Doing so will also grant you a once in a lifetime opportunities to have yet another adventure with me. I'll be more than happy to welcome you aboard. 

If you're up for it, then you should come. But it's an adventure. So I'll leave you only the clue. It's up to you to solve it and find me in the end of the road. I know you don't walk away from a challenge. So take this one. And I hope you'll find happiness along the way. 

If you're ready, click here.  

Ineffable

“Ineffable - Too great or extreme to be expressed or described in words” – Oxfords English Dictionary

Jo pertama baca kata ini beberapa tahun yang lalu, dan Jo pikir, It must’ve feel good to have people that gave you such joy. Waktu itu, Jo belum pernah had such a feeling. Never had, never was. Not until the day I met you guys. The more-less 1 year that I’ve passed with you guys, the times you gave me this warm fuzzy feeling was uncountable. To think about it, every time I’m with you guys, not once you didn’t give me this lovely feeling. And I just can’t thank you enough for it. Yet, something else came with the feeling every time. And it was fear.

You know, I have a little bit problem with being lonely. I just can’t stand it. I’m so afraid of being alone, because I’ve been through that. And I just don’t want to feel it anymore. I fear every little thing that may caused loneliness. And sadly, I actually fear the together-ness with you guys. Because I understand completely that there will come a time when we just can’t do it anymore. We can’t have a tasteful bowl of Sulawesi’s Ba’ (or chicken, or slices of pizza, or anything. And for last couple of months, it tear me down. It actually broke my heart. I’m so afraid that we will become common people to each other, so ordinary, so average. I’m so afraid that we will lose that memories. I’m afraid we will become those people that spams group’s chat with “I miss you all” lines, yet when we actually meet again, there was nothing special or remarkable of the moment.  I’m so afraid of losing you guys.

Up until now, I always consider you guys one of the greatest gift that God gave to me. In the last one year, you guys gave me the most wonderful thing that I can ever have from a friend.
Lessons.
I learned patience, I learned self-control, I learned accepting, I learned to laugh more, I learned splitting bills (Thanks!), but above all, I learned love. Ineffable love.  So obviously, when the year are coming to an end, my fear’s growing bigger. I remember it was Lu’s and Stey’s last day in Makassar I started feeling sorry. I feel sorry for not hanging out with you guys more, I feel sorry for not smiling to you guys more,  I feel sorry for not laughing out loud with you guys more, I feel sorry for not holding your hand or hugged you guys more. So when all of you have left Makassar, I feel lonely. I feel bitter. The days are not as exciting as when you guys are in it. Oh, how I miss you guys so much. But I was worried about how I will be a bother if I try to talk to you guys. So I kept my mouth shut and just don't talk about it. I’m becoming the exact person I feared to be.

When we meet again for graduation day, I feel something was different. I feel that I draw myself away from you guys. And I'm sorry for that. Maybe I was afraid losing you guys again. And when we part again for the second time, i just thought I might lose you guys for good. And we will become those person I said before.

But today, when I walk you guys out, I learned something new from you guys. I learned to embrace the best of us. The memories, the laughter, the smile, the togetherness that we had. I learned to hold every one of that, and keep it as something that will never be changed. And today, I may not hold your hands too long, I may not hugged you all too long, but I know (at least I hope) that you guys will remain just the same in my little heart. Because I know now, that I’m letting you guys go, in peace and love. I'm not afraid of losing you guys anymore. Because I do know, that we will always remain the same in our heart. And you know what, even if you somehow eventually did forget it, I hope you guys know that I won't. You guys are story-tell material I would love to tell everyone I met.

Now, take a piece of my heart home, to wherever you guys are going. It's a prayer, and a wish that you guys will be okay and also a reminder that where ever you guys are, you will always have me. And I will always be there for you guys, when you need me.

So, safe flight back home and I wish the day where we can all hangout, share stories, or just laugh together again may soon come.

I really do love you guys so much. I love you guys, ineffably.

Love,
Jo

Jakarta, 15 December 2015

Ayahmu

Hari ini kuluangkan waktu untuk datang ke syukuran keluargamu. Ayahmu yang mengundangku. Syukuran wisuda katanya, lewat pesan singkat kemarin sore. Dengan segera kubalas, "siap bos."

Ayahmu memang selalu ramah padaku. Ia tak pernah absen menyambutku dengan secangkir teh panas dan cemilan sore hari jika ia tahu aku mau singgah dulu. Aku pun dengan senang hati mendengarkannya berbicara panjang lebar tentang apa saja. Mulai dari kebijakan pemerintah, sampai sekedar pisau lipat keluaran terbaru dari Swiss. Kunikmati khotbahnya tentang korupsi, kolusi, atau nepotisme yang merajalela di bumi Indonesia ini. Mungkin karena dulu ayahku hanya bisa memukulku dengan rotan, mengkhotbahiku dengan tendangan atau tamparan. Saat kujabat tangannya tadi, masih terasa keakraban yang dulu ia selalu pancarkan.

Sayangnya tak demikian dengan ibumu. Kurasa tatapan sinis darinya saat aku menjabat tangan ayahmu. Tatapan sinis yang sama seperti saat pertama kali kau mengenalkanku padanya. Sekilas kuingat bagaimana dulu aku bahkan tak berani menatap matanya. Entah takut atau malu. Aku tahu, ibumu memang tak pernah suka padaku. Terlihat dari caranya menyindir caraku berpakaian, atau model rambutku. Sepertinya sudah jadi rahasia umum kalau ibumu suka membicarakan ayahku yang pemabuk itu. Aku selalu hanya dapat tersenyum kecil menanggapinya. Untungnya ayahmu selalu dengan pandai memotong pembicaraan dan menyisipkan lelucon om-omnya (yang kadang garing) untuk meredakan suasana. Ibumu akan berjalan menjauh. Aku dan ayahmu akan bertukar senyum penuh kemenangan.
Aku sangat mencintai keluarga kecilmu itu.

Namun, pertengkaran kita rasanya makin menjadi. Karenanya akupun semakin jarang mampir di rumahmu.
Hingga akhirnya kita memutuskan untuk mengakhiri hubungan yang kita dulu agungkan. Kubayangkan ibumu tertawa. Senyum penuh kemenangan kini pindah ke mukanya. Ayahmu hanya diam. Mungkin ia sedang membiarkan putrinya belajar. Aku tahu kita sama-sama terluka. Tapi aku bukan hanya kehilanganmu. Aku juga kehilangan ayah(mu).

Aku bahagia dapat melihatmu tersenyum. Tapi ayahmu yang membuatku dapat duduk dengan nyaman di sampingmu dan pacar barumu itu.

Surat Cinta

Aku ingin bercerita.

Tanggal 20 yang lalu, pak Pos mengantar surat. Kiriman lihat sepertinya. Amplop putih dihiasi tulisan indah. Tak ada nama pengirim. Hanya ada namaku di atasnya. Isinya tak tertebak. Tapi entah mengapa aku merasa ada yang salah. Kutunda membacanya. Kusimpan surat itu di rak buku di kamar. Kulanjutkan hariku dan lupa ada surat itu di kamar.

Bulan berlalu. Surat itu tertangkap sudut mataku. Aku pun membukanya. Kubaca dengan was-was. Isinya, "April sudah meninggal. Ia dimakamkan tanggal 25. Ia pasti mengharapkan kedatanganmu."
Nama ibumu tertulis di bawah. Tampak bekas air yang sudah kering di dekatnya.
Entah mengapa, rasanya air mataku tumpah di tempat yang sama.

Maaf kulewatkan pemakamanmu.

Bunga yang Tak Pernah Layu

Untuk bunga yang tak pernah layu,

semoga kau nyaman di rumahmu yang baru.

Yang meski jauh,

 akan membuatmu menjadi bunga yang lebih baik.

Untuk bunga yang tak pernah layu,

janganlah kau bersedih.

Selalu ada mentari yang dengan senang hati terus bersinar untukmu.

Untuk bunga yang tak pernah layu,

jangan kau khawatir.

Hujan akan memastikan kau tak pernah kehausan.

Untuk bunga yang tak pernah layu,

jangan kau bersembunyi.

Banyak kupu-kupu yang ingin bermain denganmu.

Untuk bunga yang tak pernah layu,

jangan kau malu-malu apabila banyak orang yang ingin memandangmu

Memang kau terlalu cantik untuk itu.

Untuk bunga yang tak pernah layu,

mekarlah,

dan tunjukkan putihmu yang selalu kucinta pada dunia.

Untuk bunga yang tak pernah layu,

sampai waktunya kita kembali bertemu,

jaga dirimu.

Untukmu bunga yang tak pernah layu,

surat cintaku.

Untuk Pertama dan Terakhir

Hai Cher! Apa kabar? Semoga kesehatan dan kebahagiaan selalu menyertaimu. Senang bisa menulis sebuah surat untukmu. Walaupun tampak aneh, tapi rasanya menyenangkan menulis surat cinta untukmu.

Aku berusaha mengingat pertemuan pertama kita. Kalau tak salah, kau sedang menghabiskan liburan sekolah, dan papamu diundang untuk mengisi acara gereja. Karenanya ia membawamu serta.

Aku tak lupa bagaimana perjalanan panjang ke luar kota itu bisa terasa singkat. Mendengar percakapan yang menghibur antara kau dan adikmu serta mamamu membuatku tertawa kecil sepanjang jalan.
Aku kagum pada cara kau membuat semuanya tampak lebih lucu.
Tak pernah kusangka akan kujadikan kebiasaan menertawakan kenangan tentangmu.
Dan aku tak pernah bosan mengingat bagaimana kau bernyanyi dengan merdu. Dan indahnya sama dengan senyum di wajahmu.
Aku tak bisa lupa bagaimana kita dulu akan bercakap tentang banyak hal, menertawakan banyak hal sampai larut. Dan aku akan bangun lalu mencarimu paginya. Berharap ada kau di sana dengan was-was.

Kadang aku berharap kita bisa menghabiskan waktu lebih lama dari sekedar perjalanan singkat dulu. Karena hadirmu menjadi candu.

Terima kasih untuk banyak hal.
Terima kasih sudah menghias hariku dengan suka cita.
Aku bahagia pernah berjumpa denganmu.
Semoga kebaikan dan kebahagiaan hidup selalu menyertaimu di setiap langkah.

Salam,

Jo

Tunggu Aku

Hari-hari kulewati dengan berharap, kau akan kembali. Karena kehadiranmu sudah menjadi rumah bagiku. Dan seperti rumah, tak ada tempat yang lebih baik untuk beristirahat. Namun waktu berlalu, hari berganti, daun pun berguguran tapi masih tak ada kabar darimu. Dan aku hanya bisa menunggu.

Kuhabiskan waktu duduk di depan pintu. Tempat kita biasa menonton burung-burung gereja hinggap di dahan pepohonan sambil bernyanyi untuk kita. Lalu kita akan berusaha mengikuti nyanyian burung-burung itu, kemudian tertawa ketika kita hanya dapat mengeluarkan nada-nada sumbang yang tampaknya dapat menggugurkan daun di pepohonan. Dan ketika mereka akhirnya terbang bebas menuju angkasa tanpa batas, kita akan berandai kita adalah mereka dan kita akan bertualang dengan riang, menertawakan manusia-manusia bodoh yang menonton kita.

Kutatap pagar besi yang membatasi halaman kita dan dunia luar yang penuh kejahatan dan berharap kau akan menggesernya. Lalu dengan langkah yang pelan tapi pasti, pulang ke pelukanku. Tapi pagar besi berkarat itu tak pernah bergerak, dan kadang aku bisa melihat pagar itu menertawaiku serta mengejek kebodohanku yang mengharapkanmu masuk dan melewati pagar itu.

Kutemukan diriku tertidur, dan dingin angin malam membangunkanku. Aku tak berdaya dibuatnya. Namun, pelan-pelan kurasakan kehangatan menghinggapiku. Kupandang jauh dan kulihat bulan bersinar. Aku bisa merasakan cahaya lembutnya menghangatkanku. Rasanya mirip seperti saat kau memelukku. Tapi tak lama kemudian aku justru merasa lebih dingin dari sebelumnya. Dingin yang meremukkan tulang-tulangku. Namun, dingin ini berbeda dengan sebelumnya. Dingin ini terasa begitu akrab. Aku panik dan meronta, namun aku tak berdaya. Atau mungkin aku yang sudah pasrah. Kurasakan air mata jatuh membasahi pipiku. Aku tersedu. Kulupakan dingin yang tadi menjeratku. Kubiarkan diriku meraung. Kutemukan ingatan tentang dingin itu dalam sendu. Ini dingin yang menjeratku ketika ku bangun dan menemukanmu tak lagi di sini. Ini dingin yang menyadarkanku aku harus berjalan tanpamu kali ini. Aku tak tahu mengapa kau harus pergi. Tanpa pesan, tanpa jejak, tanpa alasan. Aku terus mencoba, tapi aku gagal memahami maksud dan pelajaran yang ingin kau beri.

Dan dalam keputusasaan, aku berlari. Tanpa arah, tanpa tujuan. Hingga akhirnya kutemukan diriku di pinggir sebuah jurang. Yang tak tampak ujungnya, dan tampak berbahaya. Aku berhenti dan menatap lekat, jauh ke dasar jurang itu. Berharap ada kau di dasarnya. Ketika aku akhirnya muak akan kesedihanku, aku menutup mata dan tertawa. Lalu dengan pasti aku melompat ke dalam jurang itu. Tanpa takut akan hidup dan mati. Rasanya sama saja, karena kau tak di sini. Aku sedang menjadi burung itu, sayang! Bebas dan lepas. Kau pasti bangga padaku. Setidaknya aku mati sebagai burung yang bebas. 

Ketika kubuka mataku, aku sudah kembali berada di depan pintu. Meringkuk. Wajahku terasa kaku, masih terasa bekas air mata di pipiku. Matahari sudah bersinar terang. Burung-burung sudah keluar dari sarangnya dan bernyanyi dengan riang. Kuresapi semua cahaya dan nyanyian, setidaknya agar aku yakin aku memang hidup. Kubiarkan diriku terbiasa, lalu aku bangkit. Kubersihkan diriku. Kukenakkan pakaianku. Tak lupa kupetikkan bunga kesukaanmu. Pagar yang biasanya menertawakanku pun tersenyum melihatku. Ia lalu bergeser dan membiarkanku lewat.

Di depan pagar, aku menoleh ke teras depan pintu tempat kita biasa duduk itu. Kulihat kita. Bahagia.

Aku tersenyum, lalu aku berbalik dan mulai berjalan.

Tunggu aku.

Aku sudah janji bukan? 

Hari ini, kubersihkan nisanmu.