Jo pertama baca kata ini beberapa tahun yang lalu, dan Jo pikir, It must’ve feel good to have people that gave you such joy. Waktu itu, Jo belum pernah had such a feeling. Never had, never was. Not until the day I met you guys. The more-less 1 year that I’ve passed with you guys, the times you gave me this warm fuzzy feeling was uncountable. To think about it, every time I’m with you guys, not once you didn’t give me this lovely feeling. And I just can’t thank you enough for it. Yet, something else came with the feeling every time. And it was fear.
You know, I have a little bit problem with being lonely. I just can’t stand it. I’m so afraid of being alone, because I’ve been through that. And I just don’t want to feel it anymore. I fear every little thing that may caused loneliness. And sadly, I actually fear the together-ness with you guys. Because I understand completely that there will come a time when we just can’t do it anymore. We can’t have a tasteful bowl of Sulawesi’s Ba’ (or chicken, or slices of pizza, or anything. And for last couple of months, it tear me down. It actually broke my heart. I’m so afraid that we will become common people to each other, so ordinary, so average. I’m so afraid that we will lose that memories. I’m afraid we will become those people that spams group’s chat with “I miss you all” lines, yet when we actually meet again, there was nothing special or remarkable of the moment. I’m so afraid of losing you guys.
Up until now, I always consider you guys one of the greatest gift that God gave to me. In the last one year, you guys gave me the most wonderful thing that I can ever have from a friend.
Lessons.
I learned patience, I learned self-control, I learned accepting, I learned to laugh more, I learned splitting bills (Thanks!), but above all, I learned love. Ineffable love. So obviously, when the year are coming to an end, my fear’s growing bigger. I remember it was Lu’s and Stey’s last day in Makassar I started feeling sorry. I feel sorry for not hanging out with you guys more, I feel sorry for not smiling to you guys more, I feel sorry for not laughing out loud with you guys more, I feel sorry for not holding your hand or hugged you guys more. So when all of you have left Makassar, I feel lonely. I feel bitter. The days are not as exciting as when you guys are in it. Oh, how I miss you guys so much. But I was worried about how I will be a bother if I try to talk to you guys. So I kept my mouth shut and just don't talk about it. I’m becoming the exact person I feared to be.
When we meet again for graduation day, I feel something was different. I feel that I draw myself away from you guys. And I'm sorry for that. Maybe I was afraid losing you guys again. And when we part again for the second time, i just thought I might lose you guys for good. And we will become those person I said before.
But today, when I walk you guys out, I learned something new from you guys. I learned to embrace the best of us. The memories, the laughter, the smile, the togetherness that we had. I learned to hold every one of that, and keep it as something that will never be changed. And today, I may not hold your hands too long, I may not hugged you all too long, but I know (at least I hope) that you guys will remain just the same in my little heart. Because I know now, that I’m letting you guys go, in peace and love. I'm not afraid of losing you guys anymore. Because I do know, that we will always remain the same in our heart. And you know what, even if you somehow eventually did forget it, I hope you guys know that I won't. You guys are story-tell material I would love to tell everyone I met.
Now, take a piece of my heart home, to wherever you guys are going. It's a prayer, and a wish that you guys will be okay and also a reminder that where ever you guys are, you will always have me. And I will always be there for you guys, when you need me.
So, safe flight back home and I wish the day where we can all hangout, share stories, or just laugh together again may soon come.
I really do love you guys so much. I love you guys, ineffably.
Love,
Jo
Jakarta, 15 December 2015
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