I completed a whole ass letter before I deleted it all and wrote a new one.
I wish I could explain in any way how I feel towards you but even the letter I wrote before sounds like a total bullshit to myself and I can't stand it. So I can only try to be really honest to you about how I really feel. Maybe if this don't sickens me up, you won't too.
Looking back, I've realized that I spent most of my life trying to figure out what's best for others every single second. Or that's what I thought of. I guess there's only a thin line there. I can't even tell. Or maybe that was once the truth. Until you.
I never wanted to be happy. For I thought I am happy. I do what I want to do, not giving a single flying fuck of what people think about it. Because I am happy that way. I don't care. Never did. Until you.
You came and showed me a whole new universe. Different to the one I'm living in. Different to the one I'm used to. And I love it. Even if it brings me to another level of absurdity I didn't even know exist. Still, I'm down for that kind of journey.
The last 2 years has been crazy. Don't you think? But I am grateful that I get to make it through. With you or not, it's been an honor to be able to learn a lot from you. Even when I never intended to.
Somewhere along our journey this past 2 years, I went astray and lost. Even when I know where I am, I'm still lost. Because I never knew what I really wanted for myself. And then in the process of finding out, I ended up hurting you over and over. I never really feel that I am responsible for what you feel towards me. Because we were through for me. And no matter how happy I am with your company, that's all what you are then, a company. I knew I wanted you to be free be you, to find yourself in the things you do. Just like how I were trying to. Yet, I still lose my purpose and my happiness. It was just day after day of trying to get by casually, with you around.
I pity myself. I pity myself that I can never be you. To love and to accept. To sacrifice. Because that's what we're supposed to do when we love. I thought I can. I even tried to go further from my comfort zone to love you. But I failed over and over again. For a long time, I just wanted you to give up on me so I can give up on myself too. But there you are, head-butting me all the time. I didn't like rejection and people fighting back boils my blood. But I enjoyed doing it with you. I can never grow tired of fighting you.
I pity myself that I only have you to blame for my inability to love whole-heartedly. And my inability to see you. And only you.
I told you I wasn't ready to love you. And whole another lie about I am just not ready to love. The truth is I'm not even ready to love myself. I don't know how to start. I don't know how it feels. So I take advantages of the fact that you love me more than I love myself. Because your love feels right. There's no other way to put it. And I'm sorry that I took advantages of you for so long, I stopped trying to figure out what I feel. I'm stuck in the sunshine and rainbow that you brought along.
I've been denying the truth that I have to move forward in my life, just like you, and me being decent while not giving you any certainty whatsoever about yourself won't help anything. While it would only give me happiness, it would not give you even the slightest of peace. And that has to stop, don't you think?
I am truly sorry that we ended in the worst way possible. Me despising you. Letting you down on your knees apologizing for something you don't even understand. All the curse and the hate words. I am sorry. I'm sorry that the last memories of me for you will be me spitting on your face, degrading you for the thousand times. I'm sorry that I know I'm still so mad at you for ruining a calm and happy 2 months by asking something that wasn't even your business. But I get that you were saying something I refused to listen. Again.
I'm sorry that you feel so lonely even though I'm right beside you. I'm so sorry that you have to feel that being replaced is a certainty, and you were just waiting the day I had enough of you. I'm sorry for all the feelings and the thoughts that has to be kept hidden just because you know I'll lose my shit if I hear any of it. I'm sorry I'm so selfish and wouldn't love you the way you deserve to be loved.
I'm sorry I said that picking you was a mistake and I regret it all. That I hate the fact that I lose so much than I get for choosing you. I'm sorry that I blamed you for something that wasn't your fault at all. A part of me still want to believe that I'd take it all back if I can. But I was so mad at you. I was so blinded by my hatred that I can't see how you lost so much as well trying to love me. Even when I didn't deserve it anymore.
I'm sorry. I really am. You didn't deserve to hear all that. Not from me. The person you love the most. Any other day, I'd still stand my ground, blaming it all on you and your hard head. It won't change anything, but I wanted you to know that I'm really sorry for what kind of monster I have become to you.
I hate your guts so much. But I love you even more. And I hope you know that. Even if it's really hard to see sometimes. It's the truth.
Thank you for the tenacity that you showed the last 2 years. I really am thankful for the chance to be loved by you.
Looking back, I remember one thing that made me who I am. The one thing that makes me happy without demanding anything from anyone. And just for myself. And it's to get lost, to meet people, to see things, go places I've never been before. Or to the places I know I'm happy to be at. To go out for an adventure. Just like a long time ago. Just like Bangkok.
And so, I'm off to new adventure today. And I hope to remember how is it to be happy doing so. By the time you read this, I'll probably be too far to turn back or go home. So I will definitely spend my birthday alone. Not with anyone to pick from any platform like you said. Not with you. Not with my friends, or anyone I know at all. I'll be spending my birthday somewhere with a stranger. I know I'll still feel empty somehow, but I hope I'll be happy.
I'll be sending this letter with a cake and a candle. I want you to celebrate my birthday with me. Just blow the candle and make your wish. Because I don't know what I want. But you, above all people, would've known better. So I'll leave the wishing and the praying to you. I'll be really happy if you'd do.
Thank you for everything, Nona. Even if I curse sometimes, I still thank God every single time I remember you. I love you so much.
You can stop reading here.
Yes. Here.
There's nothing to read below.
Really. Just stop here.
Just continue what you were doing.
There's no hidden message whatsoever below.
Or is it?
Of course, you have another option of wishing me in person. Doing so will also grant you a once in a lifetime opportunities to have yet another adventure with me. I'll be more than happy to welcome you aboard.
If you're up for it, then you should come. But it's an adventure. So I'll leave you only the clue. It's up to you to solve it and find me in the end of the road. I know you don't walk away from a challenge. So take this one. And I hope you'll find happiness along the way.
If you're ready, click here.
